In our reading of "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway", Susan Jeffers talks about how complaining is one of the many ways that we can tell if we are standing in the role of the victim, and not taking responsibility. She says, "I have been careful not to ask you to believe that you are responsible for all the your experiences in life. Rather, I ask you to believe you are the cause of all your experiences of life, meaning that you are the cause of your reactions to everything that happens to you."
One of the self-work activities that was offered to the Inner Circle Members was to bring awareness to their own complaining, as I find that complaining is often like bad breath--we only notice it in other people. I urged the Inner Circle Members to put a rubber band or elastic of some sort around their wrist and each time they noticed themselves complaining to move it to the other wrist.
It is 10:22am as I write this, and I have already moved my HOT PINK hair tie twice. Actually, I moved it twice before 9:00am, and I realized that both times I was complaining about the same thing, to two different people.
So, what was I complaining about? My children, and the fact that combined they woke up 5 times last night, which means mommy is quite tired this morning.
So, what am I responsible for?
No, I couldn't change the quantity or quality of the sleep that I got last night, but I definitely can change how I related to those facts. I could have continued to moan and groan about my children and my lack of sleeping, so that I would inevitable go through the day exhausted and annoyed, or I could take a totally different approach.
I won't lie to you and say that one of my first thoughts this morning was, "When can I take a nap?" but at the end of the day, no nap was needed because I shifted how I related to my reality. Instead of taking an afternoon nap, I went for an hour and a half walk in the forest with our dog. What a joy for both of us!
What about you? What steps can you take to bring awareness to your complaining, and how you are choosing PAIN over POWER?
Creater of the Emerge Book Circle
Read. Connect. Emerge.
Our garage is linked to the main entry to our house through a small stairway with doors on each side. A few months ago, my daughter, who is 5, decided that she wanted to climb the stairs “in the night,” as she likes to call it. Both doors are closed with no light penetrating in, and she climbs up in the pitch black holding onto the handrail. It has now become a habit, and my 2 year old son has followed suit.
Many children would think this is scary. Many children would be afraid of the dark, and wouldn’t want to do what my daughter is doing.
As I have watched her do this day after day, week after week, I have held my tongue. At the beginning I wanted to ask her if she was scared, but I didn’t. Throughout, I have wanted to praise her courage for not being scared, but I haven’t.
Do you want to know why?
Because our feelings don’t actually become real until we name them. Nothing is scary, until we say it is scary. Nothing is worrisome, until we say we are worried. Nothing is anxiety-inducing, until we say we are anxious. Nothing is stressful, until we say we are stressed.
Which means, that if I were to tell my daughter I was proud of her for doing something scary, she would then be scared.
Yesterday, I was at the park with my children and I heard a dad say to his sons, “Don’t be scared of the big kids!” In that moment, I asked myself, “Were they scared? And if not, are they scared now?”
A couple of hours later, back at home, my daughter and I walked into the hallway together and she turned on the light “because it is scary.”
I turned to her and said, “An hour ago, you walked in the stairs in the dark and it wasn’t scary, but this is scary. What’s the difference?” She couldn’t give me an answer, but I have my own--I gave her the word and the context.
The stairs between the garage and the main house aren’t scary because I never alluded to her that they were. Yet the stairs from the first floor to the second floor are scary, because at some point I told her they were. It’s the same reason she likes the hall light to be on when she sleeps--because I told her about being scared of the dark.
I think that many of her fears have come from me. My words of “be careful”, and references to “being afraid,” and my questioning, “Are you sure? It might be scary.”
One of the first lessons in the book "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway" by Susan Jeffers is to look at our vocabulary, and to make shifts in the words we use. She refers to it as pain vocabulary, versus POWER vocabulary.
Here are a few of her suggested replacements:
Change "I can't" to "I won't".
Change "I should" to "I could."
Change "It's a problem" to "It's an opportunity."
Change "If only" to "Next time."
Here are some of my own:
I am not worried, I am planning.
I am not busy, I am energized.
I am not tired, I am contemplative.
I am not stressed, I am enthusiastic.
I am not scared, I am excited.
I invite you to try some of them out and then leave a comment below to let me know how you feel afterwards.
Creator of the Emerge Book Circle
Read. Connect. Emerge.