How do you react when that shiny Mercedes Benz drives past...again? Or when you see pictures of your friend's fabulous vacation at the beach or in the mountains? Or when you visit someone's amazing house?

Is it envy? Is it gratitude? Is it love?

Envy is one of the barriers to joy, and according to Desmond Tutu in The Book of Joy, there are 3 remedies to envy. Check out this #bookbite to learn about them. 
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We are more and more connected online, but have few and fewer close connections. Loneliness has nothing to do with the number of connections, but more so, the quality of those connections--starting with the most important one--the connection you have with yourself.

According to the Dalai Lama when one is thinking of others with kindness and compassion one is near lonely. "Openheartedness--warmheartedness--is the antidote to loneliness."  (Douglas Abrams in The Book of Joy.)
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What do you say to yourself when you are struggling or feeling stuck? 

I know that for me, I often ask, "What is my next best step?" but sometimes when I am so stuck in the mud and lacking perspective and lacking inspiration, that question gets me nowhere. Instead, I need to briefly look outside of me for inspiration, so that I can then come back inside of me for guidance. 

That is where this powerful question comes in: "What does a spiritual leader do in __________________?" You might not yet identify yourself as a spiritual leader, but the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu are, and that is why The Book of Joy is such a powerful book to learn from, because these two can act as our guides. 

What would the Dalai Lama do if he lost his job?
What would Demond Tutu do if his daughter screamed at him?
What would the Dalai Lama do when someone is angry with him?

What would you do in your most challenging situation, if you could embody the spiritual teachings of these two men?
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There are four circuits in our brain related to happiness. Want to know what they are? Check out the above #bookbite take from The Book of Joy. 
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When I hit my "crucible" moment in life at the age of 35, I was extremely angry, resentful and bitter. Would I have considered myself to be in pain though? Probably not. It was only through the work that I did with a coach and therapist, that I could see what was lying beneath that anger: fear and pain.

Sometimes we can't the pain that lies behind some of our emotions. But when we do, one of the best ways to heal that pain is to take the spotlight OFF of you and shine it onto others. When we turn to healing our own pain, we can heal our own.

Please have a listen to this #bookbite to learn more about the Dalai Lama's perspective, as described in The Book of Joy.
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Can you seek pleasure without being greedy?

That is the question that Douglas Abrams put to the Dalai Lama in The Book of Joy. In turn, Dalai Lama responded to by talking about the two kinds of happiness; pleasure through our sensations, and happiness through our mind. 

Most of us seek the former in the purchases we make, the events we attend, etc, but it is the later that endures and is linked to TRUE JOY. 

We have all been taught the being selfish is a bad thing, but according to the Dalai Lama, there are 2 different types of selfishness, and only one of them is "bad." 

Wise selfishness is what we want to aim for. When we are wise selfish, we take the time to meet our own needs, while also supporting the needs of others. This is the kind of selfishness that can lead to joy.

The other selfishness, that has been demonized, is what the Dalai Lama refers to as "foolish selfishness" in The Book of Joy.  Foolish selfishness is when we refrain from balancing our needs with the needs of others, and instead seek only for our gain and manipulate and exploit others for ourselves.

So, how do we, and how do you, find the balance needed to be wise selfish? 

"If you are setting out to be joyful you are not going to end up being joyful." (pg 43 of The Book of Joy)

When I first read those words from Archbishop Tutu, it immediately made me think of the backwards law. This "law" essentially states that the more you focus on the positive emotion that you want, the more you highlight what you don't have, in essence giving you more of what you don't want. Yet, the more you accept the negative, the more you will end up feeling positive. It is a concept coined by Alan Watts, but discussed by Mark Manson in his book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.

I don't think this is what Desmond Tutu was referring to though. Instead, he goes on to make the analogy of a flower opening up and blossoming. The flower needs the water and the sun to open up. We, too, need other people to support our joy and to help us blossom. 
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One of great aspects of The Book of Joy is its intermingling of the voices of the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu, with the narration and research done by Douglas Abrams.

When asked what joy was, both men agreed that joy is something MORE than happiness. It is enduring, rather than temporal. When Abrams turned to the research, he learned from emotions researcher Paul Ekman, that joy encompasses an array of different emotions, including things like pleasure, amusement, contentment, relief, wonder, etc. 

I have always thought of happiness as long-lasting and enduring: a sense of overall contentment and satisfaction, and joy being temporal.

Now I am not so sure which is which and what is what.

​How do you differentiate joy and happiness? 
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The Book of Joy starts out with a section called "An Invitation to Joy" written by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu, in which they remind us that "Everyday is a new opportunity to begin again. Everyday is your birthday."

Imagine that. Imagine that every day in fact your birth day. The first day of something new. The past doesn't  matter. The future doesn't matter. Just today. Perhaps even just this moment. 

Choose who you want to be.
Choose how you want to live.
Choose this moment to be your best moment. 

​Today is your birth day. 
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