Welcome!

My name is Theresa Destrebecq, and I am the founder of the Emerge Book Circle, which helps individuals and companies fully integrate their reading/learning into their lives and work through the foundations of consistency, community, and coaching.

My goal for our work together over the next 5-6 weeks is to support you beyond just consuming the ideas in Dare to Lead, but to create new practices from those ideas. The book itself won't change anything--it is you putting the ideas into action that creates the change. 

Although, I will be using the shared Slack channel to guide our online conversations, this webpage is where I will post video and text  summaries of the big ideas for each chapters. With that said, I still encourage you to read the book, and talk about it with your team, with other colleagues, or even around the dinner table. Reading and listening are passive activities, while talking and writing are more active. By integrating all 4 skills, you will be better able to integrate your learning and make shifts in your leadership.

Watch this 5-ish minute video to learn more. 
​

Introduction

BIG IDEAS

Definition of a leader: anyone who takes responsibility for finding the potential in people and processes and who has the courage to develop that potential. 

10 Behaviors Getting In the Way:

•  Avoiding tough conversations
• Not proactively addressing fears/feelings
• Lack of trust due to lack of connection/empathy
• People afraid to share ideas
• Stuck and defined by setbacks
• Too much shame/blame, not enough accountability
• People opting out of vital conversations
• Rushing in to ineffective fixes
• Values aren't tied to action
• Perfectionism and fear keep people from growing and learning 

Daring Leadership is about:

• Rumbling with Vulnerability--Embrace the Suck
• Self-awareness and Self-love--Living Your Values
• Courage is contagious--people need to feel safe, seen, heard, and respect. 

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

• What does being a better leader mean for you?
• Do you agree with Dr. Brown's definition of leadership? If not, what is missing?
• What needs to change for leaders to be more successful in today's world?
• How have you learned courage throughout your career? 
• What does it look like when you demonstrate courage at work? 
• When you hear the word vulnerability in the context of work, what do you think?
• Do you currently feel safe, seen, heard, and respected at work? What behaviors or systems allow you to feel that way? 
  
• Does your team feel safe, seen, heard, and respected at work? If you don't know, how can you find out? 

Part 1: Section 1
The Moment and the Myths

BIG IDEAS

• Vulnerability is about showing up when you can't control the outcome
• Vulnerability is NOT weakness.
• We can't grow without feedback.
• You can't be courageous without also being vulnerable.
• We all do vulnerability unless fear is driving us without our knowing it.
• We are hardwired for connection and don't derive strength from doing it alone.
• You can't mitigate all risks when it comes to leading because you can't mitigate people.
• Trust and vulnerability are interconnected. You can't wait for one to have the other. 
• The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse according to Gottman: criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. 
• Vulnerability is NOT oversharing or over disclosure as a leadership tool. It is not to be used to get sympathy. 
• We are not thinking beings who happen to feel, but feeling beings who happen to think. 

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

• What were you taught about vulnerability?
• Whose opinion matters most to you when it comes to your leadership?
• How and from whom are currently seeking feedback?
• How do you act when you feel vulnerable?
• What is the biggest issue you are facing right now at work? In your industry?
• What behaviors do people exhibit that allow you to trust them? (What earns them a marble?)
• What behaviors are you exhibiting that allow people to trust you? (What earns you a marble?)
• Have you experienced any of the 4 Horsemen at work? What was the result?
• What allows you to feel safe to take risks and share in a group setting or conversation?
• What kind of support does your team want from you? What kind of support do you want from your team and manager?
• What is okay and not okay behavior for you as a team and as a company?

Part 1: Section 2
​The Call to Courage

BIG IDEAS

• Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.
• Practice curiosity not judgment.
• Taking breaks in challenging conversations gives everyone think time.
• Create intention for how you will show up or behave with permission slips.
• Having a meeting minutes process creates clarity around expectations
• Turn & Learn allows people to share ideas without being influenced by another
• Dream AND reality check those dreams with facts
• It's important to address the right issues. (It might not be what you expect.)
• It's okay to have hard conversations even if you aren't ready.
• There is a cost of distrust and disconnection in terms of productivity, performance, and engagement.
• Leaders must invest a reasonable amount of time in attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time managing ineffective and unproductive behavior.
• We can't take responsibility for other people's emotions and serve at the same time. 
• Set boundaries on behaviors, not on emotions.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

• Where and with whom could you have greater clarity?
• How can you encourage more clarity within your team?
• Can you think of a time when you could have gotten more curious rather than judgmental? What would have changed for both you and the other person/people?
• How are you showing up with your team and with the leadership team? What new intentions might you create based on how you feel in the aftermath of some of these interactions?
• What is your current way of creating accountability? How might you want to change it to have more clarity and trust? 
• How do you currently share ideas in meetings? What might you take form the Turn & Learn idea?
• How do you determine what the real issues is? Are you looking upstream?
• Are there any conversations/issues that you are currently avoiding because you don't feel ready? What is the cost of that avoidance?
• Is PSB attending to fears and feelings? Are you as a leader? What is the cost?
• Are you taking responsibility for anyone's emotions? How does that impact you, them, and the organization? 

Part 1: Section 3
​The Armory

BIG IDEAS:

• We all have protection measures we have put in place to protect our heart.
• Integration is putting down the armor and living wholeheartedly.
• Many orgs believe that if they sever  vulnerability and other emotions, they'll work better and be less messy, but in doing so they kill courage and innovation.
• Daring leadership is modeling healthy striving and empathy/compassion over perfectionism and fear of failure.
• Daring leadership is practicing gratitude and celebrating, rather than working from scarcity and no joy.
• Daring leadership is setting boundaries and not numbing
• Daring leadership is strong back, soft front, wild heart, not the binary thinking of victim and victor.
• Daring leadership focuses on learning not knowing.
• Daring leadership is clarity and kindness, not cynicism and sarcasm.
• Daring leadership is contributing more than you are criticizing.
• Daring leadership is power with, power to, and power within, NOT power OVER.
• Daring leadership is honoring our worth, and not hustling for it.
• Daring leadership is share purpose and commitment
• Daring leadership is normalizing fear and uncertainty
• Daring leadership includes time for play, rest, and recovery. 
• Daring leadership embodies diversity and inclusion (rather than giving it lip service.)
• Daring leadership giving gold stars.
• Daring leadership is talking straight and taking action
• Daring leadership is leading from the heart, not from hurt.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS: 

• If you look at our behavioral patterns, what are the ways in which you self-protect at work?
  
• If you knew your team was also self-protecting, what could you do differently to inspire them to put down their armor?
• What were you taught about how emotions fit in at work?
• Have you ever caught yourself pretending, performing, pleasing, or perfecting your way at work? What was the context?
• How does perfectionism fit into your work?
• How does your team respond to victories? What does this show about your leadership?
• How do you, and how often do you recognize your team?
• What are you go to ways to "take the edge off" or numb? What is the cost?
• What does success mean for you as a leader? 
• What is your response when someone on your team doesn't know something?
• How do you respond when someone makes a mistake? Do you do more criticizing or contributing? 
  
• What are some of the things that come easy to you? How can you leverage those more at work?
  
• How do you currently measure done? After reading, what might you do differently in this area, if anything?
• What does it look like within your team during uncertain times?
• What does having an inclusive team really mean for you? How do you know if your team feels included and that they belong? 
• What are some of the ways that you zigzag to avoid or postpone vulnerability at work?
• How does your team respond to cultural differences? 

Part 1: Section 4
Shame and Empathy

BIG IDEAS:

• Shame is the "not good enough" emotion
• Shame is often driven when we find ourselves in an "unwanted identity."
• Shame is universal, yet we're afraid to talk about it
• When we don't talk about shame, it has control.
• Shame is a fear of disconnection due to the belief that we are unworthy of love and belonging.
• Emotions can hurt as much as physical pain.
• Guilt is about doing something bad, shame is about being bad. 
• Humiliation is grounded in "I don't deserve this" whereas embarrassment is temporal.
• Comparison as a management tool leads to feelings of shame.
• It is important to "give people a way out with dignity." 
• Deliver news kindly, clearly, with respect and with generosity.
• Empathy is the antidote to shame and brings a sense of shame resilience.
• Our job is NOT to minimize the pain, but to reflect it back.
• Don't compare and rank order suffering.
• Empathy requires taking another perspective.
• Empathy requires being non-judgmental.
• Empathy requires being in touch with your own feelings so you can understand and communicate with others about their feelings.
• Empathy requires staying in the moment and paying attention.
• Empathy is feeling with people, but not feeling FOR them (which is sympathy.) 
• Other empathy misses include: being appalled, feeling let down yourself, wanting revenge, trying to make them feel better, or one-upping the person. 
• If you have an empathy miss, circle back and clean it up.
• Practice self-compassion by talking to yourself like you would talk to someone you love. 
• Know your shame triggers and responses.

​

REFLECTION QUESTIONS:

• What are the moments when you feel "not good enough?"
• What about Brené's story of her concussion that could relate to? 
• What identities or ways of being do you push away and want nothing to do with? 
• When you think of times when someone else was caught in their EGO what do you think they were protecting?
• Who do you feel comfortable talking about your shame with?
• What do you think of the term "shameless"? 
• Have you experienced any of the shame situations listed on page 131? What was the consequence in the short and long term?
• Are there any organizations that you can think of where the power and reputation of the system is more important than the basic human dignity of the individuals? What is the cost?
• How adept to you feel when it comes to practicing empathy with another?
• How many emotions can you name?
• How do you like for people to relate to you when you are in a "shame storm?" What about asking some people close to you and see where the differences lie?
• Which of the empathetic misses have you encountered? How did you feel afterwards? 
• What are your triggers fo feeling shame?
• Think of a situation where you felt shame. Which of the shame shields did you display? Is this a universal way that you deal with shame?
• Have you experienced any of the gaslighting examples that induce shame (p 163)?

Part 1: Section 5
Curiosity and Grounded Confidence

BIG IDEAS: 

• You can't expect to drop your armor just like that. It is a process. 
• Rumbling with vulnerability takes practice.
• Grounded confidence means staying tethered to your values, responding rather than reacting, and operating from self-awareness, NOT self-protection.
• Easy learning doesn't build strong skills. Effective learning needs to be effortful. 
• We avoid hard conversations because we can't control the outcome.
• The knower in us focuses on being right, the learner in us is focused on curiosity.
• Curiosity takes courage because it shows a gap in our knowledge.
• Horizon conflict is when the immediate needs conflict with the long-term goals.
• Focus on learnings not failures, which allow you to experiment more and continually improve.
• Show vulnerability by NOT checking your personal life at the door.
• Getting comfortable with rumbling can include role-playing, practicing, or bringing notes to meetings.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS: 

• Have you figured out what kind of armor you wear yet? If not, what is fears are preventing you from exploring?
• Which of the paradoxes shared on page 169 do you see most often in your work?
• How do you approach challenging conversations? 
• On a scale of 1-10, how important is your professional development? Does your calendar reflect that importance? 
• How do you support the learning of your team? How effective is it?
• Which of the rumble starters shared on pages 172-173 do you most resonate with? How can you remember to use them?
• Can you think of any examples where you have experience horizon conflict at PSB? 
• What can you take and use from Stefan Larsson's sharing of his transformation of Old Navy?
• Which of the rumble tools are you most likely to use? 

Part 2 
Living Into Our Values

BIG IDEAS:

• Other people's agendas can cause us to forget our values
• Values are ways of being or believing that are important to us.
• Don't just profess your values--practice them.
• Values are NOT contextual. 
• We can't live values that we cannot name.
• Integrity: choosing courage over comfort; choosing what's right over what's fun, fast or easy, it's practicing your values, not just professing them.
• Operationalize your values by making them observable behaviors that can be taught and evaluated.
• Silence is NOT brave leadership.
• We all have warning signs that we have lost sight of our values. (Brené's is resentment.)
• Brave leaders don't pretend to have all the answers.
• It's imperative to be in the right headspace to give feedback. (Use Checklist from Brené)
• Mastery requires receiving feedback. We can't grow if we don't know.
• Daring leaders assume that people are doing the best they can.
• Assuming positive intent does NOT mean we stop helping people grow.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS:

• Before reading this chapter, how much time did you spend thinking about your values?
• Before reading this chapter, what were your values?
• How do you know if you are living your values versus professing them?
• How do you define integrity? How is your definition different or similar to Brené's definition?
• Based on the list of values given, what are your top two?
• What are 3 behaviors that support those values?
• What are 3 slippery behaviors that are outside your values?
• What's an example of a time when you were fully living these values?
• What values have you been coached or taught to be, but aren't really who you are?
• Who are the people in the stands of your arena? Have you given space for self-compassion and empathy?
• Where are you silent as a leader?
• How much power do the spectators in your arena have over your leadership and values?
• Who is supportive of your values and what does their support look like?
• What is your early-warning sign that you have lost sight of your values?
• How can you use the feedback checklist moving forward?
• How can you integrate your core values into your feedback conversations? (both giving and receiving).
• As a leader, how do you show up for feedback from the team you manage?
• When you get defensive during a feedback session, what can you do to manage that feeling?
• What are the standard practices for giving feedback at PSB? Based on the excerpts from Natalie Dumond, how might you want to change those practices? 
• How might you share your values as a team?
• What gets in the way of you assuming best intent?

Part 3
Braving Trust

BIG IDEAS:

• We want others to trust us, but often we don't trust others.
• We avoid talking about trust and ignore trust issues.
• Trust is a MUST-have, not a nice-to-have.
• It's important to get specific about trust.
• The BRAVING Inventory consists of the following:

BOUNDARIES
RELIABILITY
ACCOUNTABILITY
VAULT
INTEGRITY
NON-JUDGEMENT
GENEROSITY 

• Just like values, we need to translate trust to observable behaviors.
• Trust in earned in small amounts, and can be greatly diminished in one moment.
• Trust cannot be demanded.
• Trusting others is really about trusting ourselves.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS: 

• Do you believe that you are trustworthy? What makes you think so?
• Is there anyone on your team that you don't trust? What makes you say so?
• How do you define trust? 
• How often do you have conversations about trust within your team?
• What do you think of the quote from the Asaro tribe, "Knowledge is only rumor until it lives in the bones?"
• Given the BRAVING Inventory, what could you do differently with your team moving forward?
  
• What could change if you integrated it into your work with your team?
• What do each of these 7 components look like in as an observable behavior?
• How do you feel about asking for help? What gets in the way of you asking?
• What boundaries need to be in place for you to feel generous with your assumptions of others?
• How are you setting your team up for success?
• What are some things you DON'T trust yourself about?
• How might you use the BRAVING Inventory on yourself?
• What did you take or learn from the story shared by Brent Ladd?

Part 4
​Learning to Rise

BIG IDEAS:

• We have to prepare people for hard landings.
• Resiliency should be pre-taught, not taught in the aftermath of setback or failure.
• We make things personally that aren't personal and it exacerbates our fears.
• Risers are cognizant of their feelings and question them, rather than offload them.
• Slow down, take a deep breath. One strategy is Box Breathing or Tactical Breathing.
• There are 6 strategies for how we offload our emotions:

CHANDELIERING
BOUNCING HURT
NUMBING HURT
STOCKPILING HURT
THE UMBRIDGE
HIGH-CENTERING

• Many of manage anxiety by either underfunctioning or overfunctioning. 
• In the absence of data, we make up stories which aren't always true.
• Writing down our stories gives us power. 
• Risers focus on 3 questions: What more do I need to learn about the situation? The other person? Myself? 
• We are meaning-making machines (or humans.)
• There is a difference between systemic vulnerability and relational vulnerability. 
• Collective courage is what will define our organizations success.
• We must define success for ourselves, or else we fail before we start. 

REFLECTION QUESTIONS:

• How were you taught to land before you jumped? How are you teaching your team members to land?
• How do you demonstrate resilience? What examples can you share?
• Have you experienced something similar to the "ham fold over debacle?" 
• Can you think of any examples of times when you took something personal that wasn't personal at all? What was the cost?
• What happens in your body when you are emotionally hooked by something? 
• How do you respond when you are emotionally hooked? 
• Of the 6 offloading strategies, which do you see most in how you respond?
• Are you an overfunctioner or underfunctioner? What evidence do you have? 
• How have your conspiracy-theorist tendencies impacted your team?
• How can you reality-check your stories moving forward? What does that look like in real time?
• Where and with whom might you use the Story Rumble framework? 
• How do you define success on your terms? 

Deeper Learning In Community